THE SEXY TIME KIT

(cue slow sexy time music, perhaps a sound track of wailing cambodian virgins, oh yeah)

Hey you, this is the lady killer talking to you, oh yeah, I am trying to bring you some sexy time. For the perfect sexy time you will need the following (and pay close attention cuz this is love time):


1. a sexxxy black shag carpet, because it reminds the ladies of a bear,

and we all know ladies love bears, growl.
This one is made by Crate & Barrel, their "Remy" Black Shag Rug can line your tunnel of love. The price for letting her see this preview of your chest hair is $150, not a bad price to pay for sexxy time.

2. You need a fire place, to warm her embers, mmmm, embers.
The Vauni Black Fire Place Globe is that warm sensation she will have up her back, mmm back. For making her feell hotta, Vauni is gonna want $6,000



3. A good bottle of wine, to relax and make her feel oh so nice.

And we all know when the ladies feel nice, the sexxy time is on the way.

oh yeah, sexy time.
If you have the committment to sexxy time like i do, then pop open a bottle of the 1982 Petrus, Pomerol, and at $3,500 a bottle, oh she better feel nice.

4. Something that will let her know, you are a purple velvet robe

wearing aristocrat and nothing says i have nepostistic money like
a tobacco pipe, and heres the beauty, you dont even have to smoke,but the fact that you can kill your lungs, lets her know you are a MAN!! and women love men! oh yeah, women and men together making the sexxy time, mmm mmm. Dunhill makes this one and they are asking $600 for this piece of you know you want this.

5. And last but not least, you have to be looking like a

Captain and a Commander, and my good friend Hugo is here to help.

When she walks in you have to look like you could drown in

your own sexiness, and maybe save your self with a life jacket

of some of your own "oh yeah". This sweater is that statement, made from the softest wool and cotton blend, it just says to her;

"come on in, the water is fine" mmm mmmm, water is always fine during sexxy time. And at $550, its a bargain for what its bringing to your life.

Put all this together, and you are ready for the Sexxy time, and you know, the sexxy time is the right time. mmmm the right time.

*http://www.crateandbarrel.com/family.aspx?c=1287&f=28980&q=shag+rugs&fromLocation=Search&DIMID=400001&SearchPage=1*

**http://www.klwines.com/detail.asp?sku=950422**

***http://www.vauni.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=21&Itemid=25***

****http://fujipub.com/briarpatchcigar/Dunhill.html****

*****http://www.zeeandco.co.uk/Knitwear/sc436/p46460.aspx*****

HUH??!!! YOU PAID WHAT FOR WHAT??!!!

My friends (channeling John McKay), I am back like crack from the 80s, and I have found something that trumps all. Please see evidence below that the recession is a MYTH!!!! Do you really want to take your "War Craft" experience to another level? Or do you want a "non-sticky" experience when watching "certain" Asian midget theater and make it that more enjoyable? then my good sir, below is what will really keep that Carpal Tunnel syndrome that you will develop worth it.

Introducing the "Now Mouse".

Cast from 18 carat white gold and set with 59 brilliant cut diamonds, and available in yellow and rose gold variants, and you can pick if you want a Diamond Flower pattern or Scattered Diamond pattern on it. It will so compliment that Commodore computer that you will be using it with because with its price tag, thats about all you will be able to afford.

If you buy this, may you trip over the cord and be smacked in the head with the mouse. Seriously!!!!

$24,180.00
http://www.fabstuff.net/products/664

For the nerd who wants to make a statement

Did you strike it rich in the dot.com era as a lucky ugly nerd who lucked out when America was losing its senses and trying to buy everything online? You the guy that sold ecolonoscopy.com, and now you are a multi-millionaire twice over, i have got the perfect way for you to spend you ill gotten gains.  At 39, and you are still playing Zelda in the matching green leotards that gives you that oh so authentic feeling, you need to let your gaming consoles match your new classiness.  enter an unnamed asshole that decided that when he plays HALO he wants to really be the best. Introducing the SOLID GOLD FACE PLATE for your X-Box 360.  Oh yeah, the ladies will be creaming for you now, when they see you have spent upwards of $36,000 to make your video game cooler, how can they not want to go jousting with you now at the local Medieval Times??!

And then on top of that, you still have to bid!!!!!! WOW!!!!

** Startging Bid $36,000, http://cgi.ebay.com/Poor-Mans-Microsoft-XBox-360-SOLID_Gold-Face-Plate-999_W0QoitemZb240583453**

Paper to Burn - $750 Million Dollar Villa

If you got it spend it…..A Russian billionaire has spent $750 Million on a villa on the French Riviera. This tops the previous record of £57 million that Lakshmi Mittal, the steel tycoon, paid for his property in Kensington Palace Gardens in 2004.

Since the early 90s, Russian oligarchs, have be splashing the French Riviera with their paper. They are making it rain on French agents who report that most buyers feel disrespected if they are shown property under the $100 million dollar mark. I suggest that every unemployed American agent take a crash course in French or Russian and hop on a flight to France. With these prices you can make a mil off one sale.

*25 – French for Dummies -http://www.dummies.com/

When Mr. Louboutin Is Involved Sexy Time Is All The Time

Sex in a shoebox. Make up for your below average face with the flyest heels on the planet. Let the red leather sole do the talking for you….wearing these will let men know to approach with caution because you can snap their wallet in half with a shoe rack full of these. Christian Louboutin made to elongate the leg and expose toe cleavage and I love toe cleavage it’s my second favorite type of cleavage!

*$500-2000* http://www.neimanmarcus.com

BLACKBERRY BOLD "F$%&K IPHONE EDITION"

Back like cooked coke crack and 80s clothing, its RIM and they are gunning for Apple. After the Iphone had everybody and their mother running nigerian scams to get it, and shrinking RIM's market share worse than an Asian man in a cold pool, RIM said, no my brother you gotta get your own!! Introducing the Blackberry 9000, aka the Bold. And boy is it, packed with features that have made the BlackBerry a staple of business for a while, such as its ease of use with synchronization of multiple email accounts and reliable (albeit not really lately) OS, and now with the ability to sync with ITunes, the Bold wants to beat the Iphone like a husband on Cops.
So far the buzz is that the phone will drop in price to compete with the IPhone 2.0 that will be reportedly retailing at $200!!! But for now you gotta fork over $650.00 for an unlocked one.

***$650, http://www.blackberry.com/blackberrybold/***

Roots Rising Down

Everyone who is a fan of The Roots, either big or small, should cop this cd. Its defenitely one of the most ballerific albums out there right now. Check out the videos from this album on youtube.com, big ups to Rik Cordero who directs them theyre ill so keep it up. Lets see, Black Thought kills it in (Black's reconstruction) 75 bars in my opinion the best song on the album. Cop it support them and check out one of their concerts cause its something you wont forget.

THE BALLINGNEST BEER YOUR BLACK ASS GONNA EVER TASTE

Well hello there, is that heineken losing its flavor, or you yules brenner, is that red stripe not all you want it to be? or how about you my lil white collegian, is that Pabst blue ribbon losing its, dare i say genesequa? i think thats the way you spell that french shit, lol, well the FRench are back and they want you to pay them $1,000 dollars for this beer, thats right, $1,000 dollars, thats about 1000 coronas, or enough coronas for a mexican baby shower, Miguel i am jut kidding, lol.

But seriously i have heard gang-bangers in LA are getting their money together to buy one, no more 40s for tyrone.

The only catch is you have to go to London to sample this truly, niggerish piece of shit. lol

**Bierodrome London Kingsway, 67 Kingsway, London WC2B 6TD, Tel:020 7242-7469.**